So, you finally made it to Remote Staff, eh? Well, congratulations!
Your account manager probably briefed you on how we do things around here, but they may have neglected a few crucial things too. You see, Remote Staff is fine and dandy, but make no mistake. We are not a democracy.
To wit, we have ten unspoken rules that we hold sacred within the company. You would do well to familiarize yourself with them…..before it’s too late *insert ominous music here*:
1. Except for the next two items, be at your desk AT ALL TIMES.
Yes, you’re working remotely and at home, but what if your client urgently needs to print something from their end and doesn’t know where to start? What if they don’t even know how to turn on Skype and need you to send them screenshots of everything? So what if you’ll need to send them smoke signals because they don’t know how to turn on their computer? Get to it.
Thus, your Remote Staff Screen Capture (RSSC) tracker is equipped with a sensor. This monitors how quickly you respond to a client’s message. Each time you take longer than 3.5 seconds to reply, two hundred pesos (Php200) is automatically deducted from your next pay.
Feeling a cramp in your leg? Stretch. In place. Need to go to the toilet? Check rule no. 3. Your kid fell down the stairs? Call for an ambulance, but don’t get up. You can always yell words of comfort from where you’re sitting anyway.
2. No eating while working, except when you are on your lunch break.
You are allowed one hour to eat lunch every day. That should be more than sufficient for you to fuel up on food.
Strictly no snacking outside your lunch break. Your company-issued keyboard and mouse have sensors that go off if so much as a drop of coffee or a grain of rice falls on them.
The left-click button on your mouse also automatically deactivates if it detects oil, peanut butter, or any other edible substance on your fingertip. If that happens, you have to call it in. As per company policy, your account manager will scold you for 4.5 minutes before reactivating the mouse.
3. Keep bathroom breaks under 2.5 minutes…or else.
The webcam on your company-issued laptop will turn red and a siren will go off if you’re not back within the time limit. This then notifies the head office, and they will dispatch a representative straight to your house. S/he will then kick down your bathroom door and snap a photo for documentation purposes.
Anyone caught smiling in the resulting photo will be recommended for psychiatric care.
4. No pajamas while working.
Who said you could wear anything while working at home? Fat chance.
No, you still need to observe the proper office attire. This means button-down shirts, slacks, and a necktie for the gentlemen and button-down shirts and a skirt for the ladies. You must also wear skin tone-colored underwear each day.
Anyone caught violating the dress code will be sent home, even if they are already home.
5. Strictly no pop songs on work playlists.
Remote Staff understands that playing music in the background helps relieve the tedium of certain tasks. Furthermore, we acknowledge that it helps with productivity as well.
However, we strongly recommend sticking only to classical music since they’re scientifically proven to enhance productivity. Bach, Vivaldi, Mozart, and Handel are all acceptable, but nothing beyond the 18th century.
This means a big, fat NO to Tones and I’s “Dance Monkey,” Sarah Geronimo’s “Tala,” or worse, anything by Ed Sheeran. If you try to play these via Youtube or Spotify, the RSSC tracker will hijack your browser and redirect you to the only pop song acceptable to us: Willie Revillame’s DubiDubiDapDap.
6. Doctor’s notes are no longer accepted.
If you are well enough to go to the doctor, you are well enough to come to work. Otherwise, you can bring your laptop in the ambulance. We’re sure the accompanying paramedics will be more than happy to give you the Wifi password while they attach your oxygen mask.
7. Your account manager cannot grant you a leave of absence for surgery.
We hired you as you are. If you have anything removed or surgically modified, that means you are less of the person we originally hired. That is tantamount to misrepresentation.
8. If you die, you need to hand in two weeks’ notice beforehand.
Sure, everyone dies, but it’s also your responsibility to train someone else to do your job before you kick the bucket. So, if you start to cough up blood or notice an ache in your vitals, notify your account manager right away. They will then start looking for a replacement.
As this counts as an emergency, we will allow you to work from your hospital bed in the meantime.
9. The boss is always right.
This speaks for itself.
10. When the boss is wrong, refer to rule no. 9.
If you’ve made it this far and still haven’t turned in your resignation letter, I got news for you.
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS’ DAY!!!
That’s right, this entire article was a prank. Everything mentioned above is utter crap, and there’s no way we’d enforce any of them.
But hey, if you come across a client who insists on any of those rules, tell us right away, okay? We joke around all the time, but when it comes to the well-being of our contractors, well, that’s a different story.
Enjoy the rest of the day!